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FaerieLady Knits

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Hard Decisions...

Well, the pictures are coming. However, this isn’t just a fiber blog for me, this was once a blog where I talked about my feelings. Recently, I haven’t done that, however I think it’s time for me to go back to my old way of blogging. I’m not here to be the overpowering fluffy bunny pleasant person… things happen in my life just like they happen in everybody else’s lives, and I think I need to go back to expressing myself. I may not say everything, and in fact *can’t* say everything, but I can get some of this stuff off my chest.

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Honest opinions wanted… What do you do when a “hand up” becomes a “hand out”?

Yesterday, I deliberately turned my back on a friend of mine. Before anyone gets pissy with me, there was a reason. In my opinion, as a true friend that was the BEST move I could have made for her. Ever heard the phrase “tough love”? It’s tough for a reason. Sometimes what is necessary at the time (either for you or your friend/coworker/spouse/family member) is to step back and re-evaluate exactly you have vested in a relationship, and determine if such a relationship is beneficial to both parties. If it’s not, then it’s time to make certain choices which may seem hard at the time but in the end work out for the best.

This person and I have known each other and been friends for almost two years. Maybe a little over; though to be honest I’m not exactly sure. We started out at the Oklahoma City Pagan and Witches Meetups. After a while, I split a public group off the meetups… the only difference was that it was in a stable location. Even later on, I brought the group into my home (the venue we were meeting at closed) and made the group private. Instead of a public socialization time, this morphed slowly into a Pagan study group that has been named Tree of Life. I still host this study group.

One of the ladies who joined back in the beginning was a Solitaire like me, except she was not “well read”. Her experience came from “practical use”, not book knowledge, and she had a habit of sticking her foot in her mouth. However, because she was a sweet kind person, I didn’t mind, and she outgrew that.

I did a lot of things for her… stood by her when she made the choice to give up her daughter at birth (adoption), took her into my home while she recovered from the C-section, talked to her about her issues, threw well over a hundred Rune readings over a period of a year. Each time, the issues were the same, the readings the same, the mantra was the same.

This particular person wallowed in feelings of self-pity, remorse, guilt, and despondency. She has no feelings of self-worth, and believes herself to be a “broken woman”, when in fact she merely has psychological tapes playing constantly. Any survivor of an abusive relationship of any kind knows the signs… and we also know exactly how easy it is to fall into those same patterns of behavior. In order to change the tapes, a person has to set those habits aside.

One of the patterns that was well established was the habit of saying “goodbye” only to say hello again in a few days, pretending that the issue that took place that *caused* the goodbye hadn’t been resolved.

Yesterday, I said goodbye to her, and I mean it to be permanent on my behalf. I said goodbye to her because that’s what she NEEDED. If she wasn’t talking about her issues and then not even attempting to change the root cause instead of treating the symptoms, she was wallowing in her feelings of self-pity and loneliness. I have suggested counseling before, but she always refused, stating that it would do no good.

I am not a counselor. I am not the person to come to when all you want is to cry about the same thing for almost 2 years. I am not the person to come to if you aren’t interested in changing the root problem that causes the behavior.

I am willing to support ALL my friends, giving them hand ups whenever their situation needs it. However, there becomes a point where even I have to recognize that I am not capable of meeting their needs and need to remove myself from those types of situations. It is not possible for me to give her what she wants, because she doesn’t KNOW what she wants. It is not possible for me to give her support, because she doesn’t WANT support. What she wants is to merely exist, and I’m not that type of person. I can’t allow that type of behavior around me, because I know it’s a trigger to my *own* type of personal tape.

Sometimes loving your friends hurts. Sometimes you realize that you have to do what you don’t want to. However, that doesn’t dim the light you have, it only encourages the light to shine in a different direction. I hope hers continues to shine, and that she can grow and achieve the things that she sets her mind too.

I can say that she doesn’t like me right now, because I’ve seen her messages (although I deleted the emails unread, AIM messages) and the sarcastic vituperative is present there. I really don’t care what she thinks, and maybe by demonizing me she can achieve something. However, I can tell you that I did what I think best, and to Hel with what others think. I’m just sad that it had to come to this. May she be able to move forward, and may the Lord and Lady bestow their blessings upon her.

FaerieLady posted at 3:16 PM

6 Speak to the Faerie Queen

6 Comments:

Hun, You are not being harsh. You are a realist and in doing so realized that this person was not going to take the advise that she sought out. Love ya babe!!

By Blogger Jenger, at 4:24 PM  

You're a strong person who made a hard decision. From reading your post, I would bet it was the best one you could have made. You are the best friend she could have to not let her continue in such a self destructive way letting her think she had your permission and supoprt to do so. Anyway, Take care and I wish you both time as it will heal the loss.

By Blogger Tori, at 9:07 PM  

Never easy to do the right thing - especially when it is someone you care about. But in my "objective, outside, don't know either of you at all" opinion, you did the right thing.

My mom used to tell me that when it becomes more difficult to suffer than change, people change. Perhaps the dose of reality you dished out will work, and your friend will see the harm she is bringing upon herself, and the relationships she is losing, and maybe she won't. But in your heart, know you have done the hardest but most compassionate thing you could do, you gave her choices. She can continue on her path, or she can change it, but it is totally her call.

It's always easier to talk the talk, than walk the walk, and I hope you trust yourself enough to *know* you did the right thing.

By Anonymous Dani, at 9:08 PM  

as someone who you have been supportive of, and who absolutely adores you for it! I have to stay that I FULLY trust your judgement. And that I KNOW you wouldnt kick someone to the curb with out warning and explanation.

Sometimes the toughest and "cruelest" things are teh kindest gifts we send to those we care about, including ourselves!

By Blogger Stinkerbell, at 2:56 AM  

I have had to do the same with other "friends". You did the right thing, and really, the most kind thing. Sometimes people snap out of their schtuff if they get the boot in the butt. And yours was a kind boot. Give yourself a hug and protect yourself from any nasties coming your way.

By Anonymous Susan, at 7:28 AM  

Kae, your comment on *my* blog reminded me to come visit you, and, sweetie, this post is *ever* so timely. You've caught me just at the edge of getting mixed up in a friends downward spiral. I need to let go and let her make her own choices. When she rdecides that change is easier than suffering, whe'll make the change. You're doing the right thing, and now I'll remember to back off, too.

It really does go 'round in circles, doesn't it?

By Anonymous terri, at 4:47 PM  

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